Monday, February 25, 2008

How To Be A Good Wife

My friend Jess had this linked on her blog, and I thought I would disect this article.

This is How To Be a Good Wife, the Reality Version (italics are the origional)

Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

When Hubby walks through the door and asks, What's for dinner?, answer, I don't know. What are you making? Think about planning ahead. But then don't get to the grocery store because the baby is sick, and don't prepare anything the night before because the baby's diaper explodes, more than once! Don't even think about having dinner at a set time. When you have a set dinner time, your Hubby will call and have to work late or the baby will have yet another explosion of the diaper. If you have called ahead for pizza, this will let Hubby know that you were starving, and concerned that if you did not eat immediately, you will rip his head off over nothing. Most men are hungry when they come home, but women are hungry too. So is the baby, and the dog.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Prepare yourself. Glance in the mirror. Realize you are wearing maternity pants and your Hubby's old, stained T-shirt that is further stained with spit-up, breastmilk, and second-hand banans. Make-up? If you had time to put make-up on in the morning or do your hair, your mascara is now at your cheeks and your hair is matted from laying down with the baby (exhaustion does set in, you know). Be a little nagging and "huff" alot. He may have had a boring day, but he needs to know all about the baby's diaper explosion, as well as every coo that the baby made. Keep talking until you Hubby retreats to another room. Follow him and complain that you have not had another adult to talk to in a week, and he needs to listen to you!

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

While putting yet another load of laundry in the washer, glance around at the mess in the floor. Step on a block and try not to scream for fear of waking the baby. Look at the pile of clean laundy in the floor that still needs to be folded. Sigh, and think I'll do it tomorrow. When Hubby arrives at home and asks what you have done all day, reply curtly that you have sat on the couch, watched soaps and ate bon-bons.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Prepare the children. Look at their beautiful faces covered in banana and whatever was for lunch and breakfast. Realize that they are children and they will get a bath later tonight. Besides, you are too tired from all the laundry, spit-up and bon-bon eating.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

Have the washer, dryer, dishwasher, and vacuum going at the same time. Make sure the children are screaming when Hubby comes home. If not, he might not think they are at home. Begin complaining as soon as Hubby walks in, then send him out for a gallon of milk.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Some don'ts: Don't forget to greet Hubby with problems or complaints. Don't forget to complain if he is late. This is major. He didn't do much today, and you had to do six loads of laundry, vacuum, coral children and deal with at least on diaper explosion. When Hubby comes home, had off the vacuum and make yourself comfortable. Lean back in a comfortable chair or lie down in the bedroom. Make sure Hubby watches the childen while he gets you a cool or warm drink. Have Hubby arrange your pillow and nag him if he does not speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. You need to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Talk a lot. Don't let him talk first, and make sure you tell him the dozen things you need to tell him as soon as he arrives home.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

Make the evening yours. Always complain. About everything. Help Hubby try to understand your world of strain and pressure, your need to be anywhere but home and relax.

The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

The Goal: Survival! Making it through another day without harm to your body or spirit.

On reading the original of this, the King said, all you have to do is greet me naked and nothing else would matter. I think that says it all!

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